Have you noticed how Valentine’s Day has a way of stirring things up?
Some people genuinely love celebrating it.
For others, it can feel complicated, even painful, and can stir up:
*Grief after separation or loss
*Loneliness or longing for partnership
*Comparisons to idealized images of love on social media
*Pressure to meet cultural expectations around relationships
*The strain of a partnership that feels distant or uncertain
*The sense that romance must be performed rather than genuinely felt
*Old wounds around rejection, abandonment, or feeling “not chosen”
Wherever you find yourself today, there is one relationship shaping every other experience in your life, and it’s rarely the one you post about online or even talk about out loud.
It’s the relationship happening inside you.
Most of us were never taught how to be in a relationship with ourselves. Instead, we learned how to perform. How to accommodate. How to push through feelings or discomfort. How to keep a semblance of peace. How to be responsible. How to stay “strong.”
But very few of us were taught how to listen to our own hearts.
When the relationship with yourself becomes strained, the symptoms don’t usually explode overnight. Instead, they leak out slowly.
You might notice, for example:
*Saying yes when something inside you is clearly saying no.
*Ignoring your body’s signals — exhaustion, tension, discomfort — and overriding them for the sake of duty or “responsibility.”
*Second-guessing or doubting yourself and looking outside for reassurance.
At one point, these may have been survival strategies, shaped by family dynamics, cultural expectations, or gender roles. Perhaps they helped you stay connected or feel safe.
But when those same strategies keep running the show, the cost begins to show up everywhere: in your health, your work, and your relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and partners.
How It Shows Up in Everyday Life
Have you ever caught yourself thinking:
“If they really knew me, this wouldn’t be happening.” Or, “I don’t think anyone really gets me.”
Those thoughts often point to a relationship with yourself that’s asking for attention.
A strained relationship with yourself often looks like this:
- You stop trusting your own instincts.
You agree to things you don’t actually want.
You talk yourself out of what you felt just moments ago.
You make decisions based on not disappointing others. - Small things feel disproportianetly big.
Comments linger longer than they should.
You snap quickly – or withdraw to keep the peace.
You feel stretched thin internally. - You mistake intensity for connection.
Intensity feels like closeness.
Urgency feels like importance.
Being needed feels like being valued.
Chaos feels meaningful because calm feels unfamiliar.
When you’re not anchored inside yourself, even turbulence can feel like love.
The Good News
Repairing your relationship with yourself doesn’t require a personality overhaul.
It requires space.
Space to slow down.
Space to feel.
Space to notice what’s been drowned out by noise.
And it can begin with something simple.
Three Ways to Begin Rebuilding Your Relationship with Yourself
1. Create space for awareness
Find a quiet place, outdoors if possible, or simply a calm corner.
Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four.
Exhale gently through your mouth for a count of six.
Let the exhale be longer than the inhale.
Notice what happens in your body.
Notice where tension begins.
Notice what feels steady.
This small reset can interrupt reactivity before it takes over, giving you a chance to respond rather than react.
2. Go deeper than your thinking mind
If you’re ready for something more powerful than a few minutes of breathing, Soulful Breathwork creates a space many of us don’t know how to create on our own.
In a session, you’re not trying to think your way into change. You’re breathing in a way that quiets the mental noise and brings you into direct contact with what’s happening underneath it.
In that space, people often realize why they do the things they do:
- where they’ve been overriding themselves
- where they’ve been holding tension for years
- where they’ve been settling instead of living
Breathwork doesn’t force insight. It facilitates clarity and healing. As the body softens, old reactions begin to loosen their grip.
3. Give yourself enough time for lasting change
A single session can open a door. But lasting change often requires more than one evening.
A retreat offers something most of us rarely allow ourselves: uninterrupted time. Time away from constant demands. Time to see your patterns clearly. Time to practice relating to yourself differently, in real time.
When you dive into the work more deeply:
- self-trust grows
- reactivity settles
- decisions become clearer
- relationships feel less confusing
The shift becomes embodied. You don’t just feel different temporarily; you begin showing up differently in every area of your life.
Even though Valentine’s Day — and February as the designated month of love — may be a Hallmark-created commercial tradition, it doesn’t have to be about proving love or measuring it against an ideal.
It can be an invitation to ask a deeper question:
How is my relationship with myself?
Because when that relationship becomes more honest, compassionate, and grounded, every other relationship begins to change.
And that may be the most meaningful kind of love to celebrate.
Discover more about my upcoming retreat at the magical Spirit House Retreat Center, in Woodacre, CA